Kinning Park

As you swing south of the river you enter a specially set-aside reservation for native peoples of a particular persuasion (in Kinning Park, the letters "FTP" don't usually stand for "File Transfer Protocol"...) Out the station, under the tasteful concrete pedestrian walkway, and up the path to the crossroads. There is a swing park to your left and the first pub you come to is on the corner of Paisley Road West. You have a choice of The Doctors or The Grapes; the latter is usually the more busy.

This is the only optional stop i.e. you can miss it and not be considered a poowf. Some correspondents have reported that the area appears to be becoming increasingly unfriendly to subcrawlers. We know of residents in Kinning Park who refuse to drink in the area. [Glasgow tourist board will not thank us for that!]

The Doctors is a smallish pub selling lots of McEwan's. The walls are singularly dedicated to a certain south side football team (that's "soccer" to any language abusers from the U.S. of A; and while on the subject, please note there is no such thing as "US English"- that is a contradiction to which the wankers at Microsoft seem blinded). Despite this, we've usually found the atmosphere in here to be quite friendly. However we have to take issue, stylistically, with the border for the wallpaper. This is a repeating Rangers Crest pattern and the whole effect is to make the pub look like a wean's bedroom. This effect is further added to by the number of shell-suited regulars; they all look like they are wearing PJs! [STOP PRESS: As of June 2007 we believe the Doctors to have closed down indefinitely]

Having said all this, it must be noted that the Doctors is subdued in its celebration of the Sons of William compared to The Grapes which is rampant to the joys of all things blue.

The Doctors (4-6 Cornwall Street, G41 1AQ. Tel. 0141 427 4448)

The Grapes (218 Paisley Road West, G51 1BU. Tel. 0141 427 2932)

Other pubs: A third pub with a similar "We (i.e. Rangers fans) Are The People" theme, The District Bar, (252 Paisley Road West, G51 1BS. Tel. 0141 427 5151) lies about a hundred yards further up Paisley Road West. For those who are determined to give the whole "RFC" gig a miss, travelling further afield will take you toThe Old Toll Bar, (1-3 Paisley Road West, G51 1LF. Tel. 0141 429 3135. Opening hours: Mon - Thu 11-11, Fri & Sat 11-12, Sun 12.30-11). Nice enough old Victorian bar with "original" features such as large mirrors and dark polished wood - an effect diminished somewhat at one end by an attempt to repair a bit of stained glass window by reproducing it in crayon. Recommended by CAMRA, which must mean something (what, though, we're not sure), and is Grade B listed.

Meanwhile, for those actively seeking a bar of the "green" persuasion, there is always the Stanley Bar, although we don't remember the address (they have to keep fairly secretive about Celtic pubs in this neck of the woods, so we were blindfolded before being taken there). As "green" as the Grapes is "blue" - take yer pick.

While the people of Kinning Park may well be as friendly as any other Glaswegians, the majority (in the pubs, anyway) are single-minded in their love of Rangers Football Club. We are talking fanatics here. You should not provoke their wrath with outward displays of non RFC-ness. You have been warned. (We also suggest similar-but-opposite behaviour, if you see what we mean, while drinking in the predominantly Celtic-supporting Dolphin Bar in Kelvinhall).

Some years ago this writer participated in a five person Sub. In The Doctors we spent twenty minutes of non-violent conversation with three of the scariest looking Rangers fans I have ever met. They were wearing the mandatory Rangers top, shaven heads to baffle grasping hands and had arms covered in tattoos of a profound religious theme. The most common motif was of a 17th Century gentleman on a white horse... They were witty, and articulate in a Kinning Park sort of manner.

In our experience such humour and tolerance of large groups of strangers has become less common, at least in The Grapes. However we have recently been taken to task by a regular of said establishment, who writes in its defence

"Yes, we are a predominantly Rangers Bar, as there are predominantly Celtic Bars in Glasgow. We pride ourselves on welcoming ANYBODY to the pub, regardless of their beliefs. CELTIC supporters, however not welcome for obvious reasons, as Rangers supporters are not welcome in Celtic bars. Therefore Rangers supporters can come to the Grapes and feel welcome, safe and enjoy theirselves in the company of like minded people. This includes Subway travellers. Having worked in the Grapes I have never seen, heard or been involved in any trouble relating to any Subway Crawlers. So rather than listen to or read the one sided self-opinionated assertions of a small minded west-end, left-wing socialist, possibly non-Glaswegian "sellik-Minded" propagandaist, Visit the Grapes for a good time and a sing song and see for yourselves. p.s. Not necessarilly 'Cultural' Music Either."

Talking of music . . . On a recent SUB we had to endure . . . er . . . wrong word . . . enjoy a Rangers Disco. Saturday afternoon, guy standing behind a portable DJ desk playing Rangers anthems interspersed with Bobby Darin hits. Oh how we . . . did not laugh (that might have got us a kicking); rather the corners of our firmly shut mouths tweaked upwards in inane grins while a fit of coughing overtook one of our number. "One singer, one song", as the Big Yin used to say.